Ah, here I sit at 2:20am. I got hot on the couch and got up to get a drink. Then I checked my email. Then I surfed. Now I am wide awake. It's pretty much the standard set up for me these days.
So, anyway, still here and still pregnant. If I count all the on again, off again contractions I've been having for the last 2.5 weeks I think I've officially been "laboring/in labor" for about 5 or 6 times longer than I was in labor with Mary. I never expected this. With Mary, my water broke and she was born about 7 hours later. Now it's not uncommon for me to have fairly strong, but short contractions for 5-6 hours straight every few days. But then I go to bed and wake up still pregnant. Heck, I'm more dilated now than I was when I went to the hospital when I had Mary. My hips hurt, the contractions hurt, I'm exhausted, I'm confused, and I am scared. The doctor wants to induce me probably Thursday. She might as well have told me she wants to do some sort of freaky shock therapy (not that she'd do that to a pregnant woman of course) on me. To be honest, I hate being pregnant. I didn't like it last time and I don't like it this time. But having Mary's birth go the way I wanted meant so much to me. I have waited nine months to have another natural birth. I am so worried that one medical intervention will lead to another. I don't want to be stuck in a hospital bed. I don't want to push on my back. I don't want drugs flowing through my body or the baby's body. And the worst part? I'm not even freaking due yet!!! I'm 4 days away from being "officially" due (which was determined by ultrasound, and is probably fairly accurate, but could be as much as a week off). And yet I have been up with this wonderful insomnia most nights for the past week hoping I'll go into labor. Even though it isn't time yet. Why can't babies just come when they are ready? Why do they have to come when they are "due"? If my health or my body were in jeopardy, or if there was any indication that the baby was in distress, of course I would use medical interventions to keep us both safe. But I feel fine (aside from being nine months pregnant). I'm not swollen and my blood pressure is fine. I'm a little tired, but who wouldn't be thanks to this insomnia? Having a natural birth just means so much to me and the thought of having it taken from me just really breaks my heart. I won't even get into the reasons I think induction is wrong. I'd end up writing a novel and not going back to bed tonight. And yet I am sure it isn't wrong for everyone. I don't really think it's right, but one thing I have learned about being a mother, and maybe even an adult is that you have to do things the way they work for you. I have some pretty strong beliefs about several parenting issues, but I have learned not to judge others for making different decisions than I would make. I just want to wait. I just want to give the baby a few more days or a week longer than the doctor wants to give him/her. I want it to be my body's decision, not some time table that has been put into place because of medical equipment or guidelines. I am so very, very lucky to be a healthy woman who has had two easy, event free pregnancies. I am lucky that I have carried two babies to term. I just want these last few days to be in peace. I dread Wednesday (my next doctor appointment) so much. I actually feel sick thinking about it. I just want things to happen when they are supposed to happen. But I guess that's too much to ask these days.
My first Christmas porch!
5 minutes ago