Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Project 33: fail

Yup, I'm giving myself a big fat FAIL on project 33. My birthday was a month ago. I gave up on the 100 push ups in April. We went on a trip and I couldn't get them in that week and I never went back to them. Ugh. And while I never set out to lose weight this year--I've gained 10 pound. Oh heck, maybe 15. So now instead of needing to lose those last 3 pounds of baby weight, I need to lose 18. Nothing fits. I went to Kohls for some stuff for the girls and tried on a pair of XL yoga type pants and they were too tight on my big fat tushie. In June, I told John I could lose 10 pounds faster than he could. I lost three.....and have gained 10ish since. Good times. I've tired to figure out why. Do I stress eat? Is late night eating a habit I can't seem to break? Yes. When I finally get the girls to bed at night, all I want to do is eat ice cream. And now that the weather is cooler I want baked goods. Pumpkin bread and brownies and banana bread. Now I have a huge zucchini that Grandma Mary gave me, and I will probably make that into bread as well. I love to cook. But then we eat it all in a day or two. Blah.

I didn't want this year to be about weight loss. So I guess I decided to gain instead. I am so mad at myself. I feel like crap. Nothing fits. I can't stand how I look. I feel bad about leaving the house. In June or July, I told myself I would get my rear in gear and that I wouldn't be the 'fat mom' at pre school. Guess that didn't motivate me either. Every trip, every event we've gone to this year, I've said "I am going to lose 10 pounds before X." But I don't. I'm so sick of it. But I feel like I don't know how to start. I mean, I do. Eat less and exercise. Well, the exercise equipment is buried under the stuff we took out of the basement storage area. So who knows when we'll see that again. Plus, it isn't like I was using it before we piled it up with junk. Plus, we are super busy working on the basement (on step 22 part c by the way.....scrubbing 45 years of dirt and grime off the floor with a tiny wire brush. It takes so much energy that the most either of us can do is about an hour at a time before our hands go numb) so there's no time to work out anyway. Excuses, excuses.

I did manage to knit one thing for myself this year. And I have kept my hair cut up which means I have to make myself find an hour or so for myself every 6 weeks or so. But besides that, I don't feel like I have accomplished anything for myself.

So now you know. I still have time, but I'm just not feeling like I have the energy or power to make things happen.


Mimi-n-Moe's Mom said...

It is so much harder after 30...we can't get the quick results we did in our 20's. And it is so HARD to find the time and energy to devote to ourselves. Moms are always giving away their effort and time and leaving little for themselves!

And, I think you are beautiful the way you are! :)

sara said...

oh amanda, i'm right there with you. but with much more than 18 pounds to lose. & it sucks. in the times i could be exercising, i'm too tired to (or just don't wanna).

i agree with karen, you are beautiful the way you are!